Another year is ending. They seem to go by so quickly now.
I remember how upset I was this time last year. I was not yet blogging, but I clearly remember my grief at 2011 ending. 2011 was Elena's year. We learned we were expecting in 2011, then that we would be having a daughter, and then she arrived and we had two short hours with her, and then she was gone. Life has a way of moving on, even when we are not ready, but at least we were still in 2011. The new year of 2012 brought such feelings of guilt and despair. We were moving into a new year without our baby. We were leaving her behind. I realize that may sound incredibly silly, especially to someone who has not lost a child, especially since she had already been gone 7 months, but I could not shake the feeling that we were leaving her behind. I wanted to stay in 2011, somehow it seemed like I was closer to her when the calendar read 2011. I dreaded moving into 2012 when my sweet daughter could not. It was so horribly unfair. Of course, I could no more stop 2012 from coming than I could bring my daughter back, and so 2012 arrived.
2012 brought the last of our "firsts" without Elena: first new year, first Valentine's Day (surprisingly horrific for me), my husband's first birthday without his daughter, first Easter, first Mother's Day (gutwrenching), Elena's first birthday and the first anniversary of her death. It also brought the promise of a Rainbow and then the fulfillment of that promise. What a year! The last several weeks have been full of mixed feelings, sweet moments, long nights, exhaustion, and joy and have kept me so busy I have not been online as much as before.
Our beautiful Rainbow is such a blessing to us, and he is so perfect. His birth was very bittersweet. He arrived full-term and healthy via scheduled c-section, not the birth that I would have chosen, but I will not complain as I finally carried to full term and had the experience of a healthy, huge (okay, average size, but he seemed huge by comparison) baby. He cried loudly, showing off his fully developed lungs. Elena gasped for breath, barely making a sound. His cry was the most beautiful sound I think I have ever heard! It should have been the same for Elena. While I am incredibly grateful that I carried this baby to term, at the same time I feel incredibly guilty that I wasn't able to give that to Elena, that my body failed her. While I am so glad that we were able to take additional measures to protect our Rainbow, I am full of regret that we didn't do the same for Elena. If only we had known.... Holding our sweet new baby is overwhelming, it brings feelings of such joy and bliss but also of sorrow and longing. It is another reminder of all the things we missed with Elena. It is also a reminder of the beautiful things in life, and that all is not lost. He is a wonderful blessing and miracle.
In 2012 we became a family of five, though when most people look at us they only see four. Thank you to those of you who remember we are five. Thank you to those of you who participated in Elena's Echoes birthday tribute, to those who looked through all of October's Capture Your Grief photos, to those who thought of Elena throughout the year and during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month in October and during Prematurity Awareness month in November, to those who included Elena in your Christmas cards and gifts, to those who have posted about Elena on Facebook and tweeted about her at various times throughout the year, and to those who have prayed for our family. Your support, your love, your concern have brought us comfort and helped us continue to heal this year. We boldly ask that you will continue to support us and to remember Elena and allow her life to echo in 2013 as well.
