Another year has slipped away. The year has ended, and the end was not a happy one.
It's still a bit surreal. For the first time since I met my husband we were not together at midnight as the year changed. I am still nervously awaiting his return home from an evening with a friend. It's not great weather, and I worry about that and about the crazy drivers out, and I wonder if it was a mistake to say, hey, have fun, see you when you get home.
We traveled this past weekend to attend a family Christmas celebration. Among those gathered were one of my husband's sisters and her husband. On Sunday morning they headed out to start their trip back home. We gave them hugs and bid them safe travels. Early that evening, as we were driving home, we got the phone call. Another driver had crossed the median on the highway and hit them head-on. My brother-in-law was killed. My sister-in-law was taken by care flight to a hospital near our home (not near their home out-of-state, but I guess the closest trauma center happened to be only an hour from my husband and me). We drove straight to the hospital, arriving a few hours after we got the call. Twelve hours after smiling, laughing, and hugging my brother-in-law and sister-in-law, I was standing in a hospital room looking at my sister-in-law with her cast, cuts, and bruises who was now a widow. Unreal. Heart-wrenching. Helpless.
I felt so helpless and still do. So utterly useless. I feel like I should have learned something from Elena, that I should have some words that would help her, some advice, some knowledge that would benefit her. Instead I have no idea what to say, what to do. While I know the situation is not the same and I abhor comparing losses, I feel like there is a connection to be found in losses this close to the heart. I cannot fathom losing my husband, but four years ago I could not fathom losing my child either. I think those must be among the most painful of losses, so unnatural and unexpected. What do you say? What do you do? I feel like I should know the answers to those questions, that having experienced something somewhat similar, having planned a funeral at a young age that I was not at all prepared to plan, that I should be able to help. Instead, all I have to offer is showing up at the hospital, showing up at the funeral, sitting there near her with nothing to say, only a heart that breaks for her but not even the words to express even that.
What a rotten ending it has been.
