Happy Birthday

Dearest Elena,

Has it been another year already?  Has it only been one more year?  There is so much I yearn to say to you, but I feel like I've already said it over and over...how much I love you, how sorry I am, how I miss you.... 

Your absence colors everything.  You changed everything, the very essence of who I am.  I am grateful for the gifts you gave me, but I would gladly trade them to hold you again, to have you in our home, to get to share each birthday, each moment, with you.

There were so many dreams I had for you... so much I wanted you to experience here, on earth, in our family.  I spent your birthday living one of those dreams - a wish I shared with your daddy & great-aunt when I was only 6 weeks pregnant with you.  It was so bittersweet.  I got here, but I did it without you.  I never dreamed it would be without you - it was a gift I wanted to give to you.  I so wish things were different.  I want you back so much! 

I love you forever.  Death stole you, but it cannot steal my love for you.  That is eternal.  I know one day I will embrace you again, and what a joyous occasion it will be for your mommy!  I cannot wait to hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you and to know that I will never have to let you go again.

Until that day, Sweet Princess, I will carry you always in my heart.

All of my love,
Mommy

May 23

I ache for my daughter. I feel the pain with every fiber of my being, physically and emotionally. Heartbroken, hurting, haunted, yet still hopeful. Clinging desperately to that Hope. Aching. I miss her so much.