The weight of her absence changes. It's still ever present, but it's different. Usually it's simply a weight we're used to carrying, but occasionally it can still be nearly unbearable.
I had a procedure the other day that required a pregnancy test beforehand. The tech came over and joked, "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" I was able to laugh it off in the moment, knowing after a decade of secondary infertility that I'm NOT pregnant. But it still stung and it's been heavy to carry. It's hard when children are missing in your home. And not that any new baby can replace a missing one, but we feel to the core what a blessing babies are, and to make light of that was hurtful, especially in May.
Oh May! Baby Quinn should have turned 4 early this month, and sweet Elena would be 14 today.
That impossible question -How many children do you have?- still gets me. When I claim my 5 children, people look at me funny or even "correct" me; but when I deny 2 of them, it hurts my heart. And even more difficult are the comments and questions about having all boys. Didn't you want a girl? Well, actually, I had a girl. She died. And then when I see my boys having to navigate similar questions about siblings and field insensitive replies, my heart aches for them, too.
May is hard. But usually the weight isn't so crushing anymore. The joy and the grief dance together, and usually the joy takes the lead. We focus on the blessings of our sweet babies and the wonderful reunion awaiting us in heaven.
Happy 14th Birthday, our sweet Elena! We love you and miss you and can't wait to wrap our arms around you again!
"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21
