The Picture I Never Took

Driving last week with the boys, I passed the hospital.  My Sunshine commented that his grandmother took him to the play area at the hospital when my Rainbow was born.  I said that yes, that was true.  He then asked if he was there when Elena was born.  I told him that he was.  "I don't remember.  Mom, do you know remember how Elena looked?  I don't remember that."

He was not quite 2 when she was born.  He was able to meet her and see her.  He remembered and talked about her for a long time, but I had figured that he would eventually forget, forget actually being there, and apparently now he has.  I mourn again not getting a picture of him with Elena.

Why didn't I get that picture?  The nurse even asked me if there were any other pictures we wanted after she had taken a couple dozen for us.  I thought I should get one with her big brother, but I did not ask.  I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.  I wasn't sure how the nurse would react to that request, or what my husband or my mom would think about it either.  I wasn't even sure where my mom and my son were - she had taken him out of the room to try to entertain him for a while, probably to the play area.  And I was scared that he might hurt her.  He was so little and a rough and tumble toddler, not yet very good about being gentle.  I wanted him to hold her, but I couldn't help but feel terrified that he might hurt her.  So I said no, there were no other pictures we needed, thank you for taking so many for us.  And shortly after that, Elena died.

I am still so upset that I didn't take that picture.  Both of my first two children were there, together in the delivery room, and I didn't photograph it.  I have no pictures of them together.  I have wished so many times that I had gotten a picture of them together.  Now I wish it even more.  I think he would appreciate so much seeing a picture of him with his sister instead of pictures of just her, to see that he was there and he met her instead of just hearing about it.

Failing to take that photo is one of my biggest regrets from that day.  I wish I could redo it.

Dreaming Death

I find that I am still struggling lately. I am really missing Elena, and I have had a lot of anger about her death recently.

Last Friday I took a (very short) nap on the floor in my oldest's room while he played. I only slept about 10 minutes, but I dreamt about Elena. In my dream I relived her death. She gasped for breath but couldn't breathe. It was so real.

I am so very thankful we had time with Elena on earth, but watching your child die...suffice it to say that it is the hardest thing I have ever endured. It's difficult to have those images in my head. And it's hard to shake the nightmares off.

2014

Another new year is here already.  2014 will bring three years without Elena.  An eternity?  A blink of an eye?  I'm not sure which, honestly.  I guess some of both.

I've neglected her blog.  I feel bad about that.  I just haven't had it in me lately.  I have to remind myself that a lack of blogging is not a lack of loving.  And running out of words is not the same as running out of love.  But there is a pang of guilt:  perhaps I am failing her...again.