Another birthday come and gone. She would be 5 already. This has been a rough week. My husband is traveling; my Sunshine went back to school. Elena would be old enough for kindergarten this year. Would we have sent her? Her due date was not until fall - she should have been with the next class, but her early birth would have made her eligible to start this year. I know our ultimate decision would have depended on who she would have been because we would have made the best choices we could for her, based on her needs and personality, her strengths and weaknesses. But my best guess is that we would have enrolled her in our school's half day kindergarten this year and let her do full day kindergarten next year. That's what we did for our Sunshine, who was also a preemie and has a late birthday. So I imagine that's what we would have done for Elena as well.
As I set out clothes and pack lunches for back-to-school this week, I find it difficult to breathe. I look at my oldest's uniform and feel the hot tears on my cheeks. Next to his should be another one. Another red polo shirt and brand new sneakers. Hers would have included a khaki skirt and a big red hair bow. I feel so cheated, robbed of my daughter, and also robbed of the bows and skirts and jumpers, ruffles and pink backpacks. Maybe she would have hated those things, and there would have been no hair bows or dresses or pink and purple. But maybe she would have loved them. Maybe she would have.... so many dreams that could complete that sentence. Who would she have been? Athletic? Timid? Funny? Compassionate? Loud as her brothers? Quiet and reserved like her parents? Studious? Outgoing? Musical? Dramatic? Loved. I know she would have been loved. No matter who she was, she would have been so, so loved. She is loved still. But I wish so hard that I would have been able to know her, to watch her grow and become her own person, with her own hopes and dreams, and that I could have helped her reach for her goals, reach for the stars. Instead, I look at the stars with such longing that I feel my heart might burst.
My baby girl, up in heaven. I try to take solace in knowing she is where there is only light, in Paradise knowing the peace and perfect love of our Father, that she is held in His loving arms while I am unable to hold her here. But my heart still yearns to have her; my arms still ache without her weight in them. I miss her. And I grieve all the life that she missed out on having. Sweet daughter of mine, I wish I could have given you more. I wish I could have given you everything.
