Lots of my friends are doing daily posts on Facebook of things for which they are thankful as we approach Thanksgiving. Since I just finished the daily Capture Your Grief photo posts, I think I will list my Thankful List here on the blog only. Here are some of the many things for which I am thankful.
Day 1: I am thankful for my awesome husband. He is a strong man of God who consistently shows his love and concern for his family. He is such a great husband and father! He was wonderful before Elena was born and has grown even more amazing since her birth. He has been my rock throughout our journey. He is always there for me, and I so blessed to be able to call him my husband and my friend.
Day 2: I am thankful for my sweet and energetic 3 year old son. I considered him a miracle when he was born, especially doing so well despite his preterm birth. After losing Elena, I learned what a miracle he truly is! He brings such joy to our lives every day, and I am so thankful that God has entrusted him to me!
Day 3: I am thankful for my precious daughter Elena. She taught me so much during her brief life. Because of Elena, I have had relationships deepened and developed new friendships. It is easier for me to focus on the truly important things in life and to let go of the superficial things. I am glad she is forever a part of our family and am thankful that I will see her again in heaven someday.
Day 4: I am thankful for my church family and for living in a country where I am free to attend church and to worship according to my beliefs. My church friends truly are like family to me. They have shown me such love and support over the years. Our pastors know us and are concerned with our well-being. Going to church feels a bit like going home to me, and I love how our pastors keep the focus on God's Word.
Day 5: I am thankful for our home. I am so glad that I do not worry about where I will sleep tonight or if I will be warm/cool enough. I am grateful that my husband has a steady job that pays enough to cover our mortgage and other bills while allowing me to stay home for now at the recommendation of my doctor. I know we are blessed with so much!
Day 6: I am thankful that I live in a democratic nation where I have the right to vote. I am grateful for early voting so that I didn't have to wait in an insanely long line to vote (especially since I had my three year old with me when I voted, and his attention span would not have tolerated waiting hours- ha, even half an hour- in a long line). I am glad that my son had the opportunity to see me vote and to begin to understand how democracy works. And I am thankful that this election will be over after tonight and that I won't be bombarded with everyone else's political opinions and rants and awful commercials full of lies and half truths much longer (well, at least not as many as are spewed around election time).
Day 7: I am so very thankful for officially making it to term today (still hoping for a couple more weeks, though)! I am NOT going to have a preemie this time!! I am thankful for my perinatalogist who performed my surgery last year and has closely monitored me throughout this pregnancy. I attribute making it so far in the pregnancy to a combination of the surgery, modified bed rest the entire pregnancy, extraordinary prenatal care, and mostly the grace of God. I am so grateful to be so far along!
Day 8: I am thankful for my education. I am so glad that I have the skills to read and write and to think and analyze. I am blessed that my family valued education and encouraged me to work hard in school and to pursue a higher education. I am grateful for the good schools I attended and the caring teachers and encouraging professors I had along the way.
Day 9: I am thankful that I have reliable transportation. I am so glad that it is fairly easy for me to get to where I need (and want) to go on a regular basis.
Day 10: I am thankful for the ability to just run to the grocery store down the street to get whatever it is that we want/need. Not only do we have enough to eat, but food is so easily accessible to us and we have such a variety of choices. I realize this is a blessing that too many both in our country and around the world do not have.
Day 11: I am thankful for the men and women who served/serve/will serve our country - past, present, and future. I am so grateful for their bravery and courage, for their willingness to put their lives on the line to protect my freedom.
Day 12: I am thankful for the Baby Loss Community. While I wish that it did not exist and that we all had our precious children in our arms, I am grateful for the support and understanding that other bereaved families offer. This is a club that no one wants to join, and once admitted to it, membership is forever, but there are some amazing women and men on this journey. I am blessed to call so many of them my friends.
Day 13: I am thankful for my first child's preschool. He has been attending the same program for three years, and I have always felt comfortable with him there. The teacher turnover rate is incredibly low, and the student:teacher ratios in all of the classes are amazing! His teachers are warm and caring, the office staff knowledgeable and supportive, and the other parents generous and friendly. He learns so much and has a great time there. I could not ask for a better school for him.
Day 14: I am thankful for my family's and my overall good health. I am grateful for doctors and medications when necessary and thankful that in general we do not need them. We are so blessed to be healthy and normally able to work, play, and participate in normal activities.
Day 15: I am thankful for my primary OB. I am so blessed with the care I have received throughout this pregnancy. My OB has gone above and beyond to be sure that I am feeling as comfortable and calm as possible. He has gone out of his way to provide me with reassurance when I was feeling particularly anxious and has monitored me closely from the beginning. He has a wonderful reputation among his colleagues and has been an excellent doctor for me. I am glad to have him on my team!
Day 16: I am thankful for my extended family. I am blessed with a large support system and many people who love and care for me. I was blessed to grow up with all of my grandparents and am blessed to still have a grandmother here. I also grew up close to many aunts, uncles, and cousins, and I am grateful for the relationships I have with them all.
Day 17: I am thankful for restaurants. I am grateful for opportunities to dine out, to choose a meal that sounds tasty at that time, to have someone prepare it for me and bring it to me, to not have to wash the dishes when we have an evening out. I am thankful for the large selection of restaurants in our area and for my husband's job that affords us the ability to go out to eat upon occasion.
Day 18: I am thankful for my brother. I am grateful to have had such an awesome person with whom to grow up! I am glad that he lives fairly close and that I get to see him more than once or twice a year. I am thankful for his weekly phone calls just to say hi and touch base. I am also grateful for my two older siblings in heaven. While I would not wish the pain of losing a child on anyone, especially my parents, I believe their similar experience of losing children (even under completely different circumstances) helps them to relate on some level to our experience of losing Elena, so for I am thankful for them. I look forward to meeting them in heaven someday.
Day 19: I am thankful for my dad. I am grateful for his love and support. I am thankful that he raised me to go to church each week and provided an exceptional, private Christian school education for me. I enjoy spending time with my dad and sharing experiences with him, from attending memorial events for Elena with him to going to sporting events with him. I am lucky that he shares his sports tickets with our family and gives us opportunities to see baseball, hockey, and basketball games each year. He loves his grandchildren, and I enjoy watching him interact with my preschooler.
Day 20: I am thankful for my mom. She is not just my mom but has also become a close friend. She is an enormous source of support and encouragement for me. She does so much for our family. She and my preschooler adore each other, and I am so grateful for the time they spend together and the relationship they have. It reminds me a bit of the treasured relationship I had with my beloved Nana. My mom is there to help our family when we need her, like tonight (and the next several nights), when she is keeping our preschooler while we prepare for our Rainbow's arrival.
Day 21: I am so incredibly thankful for the safe and healthy arrival of our Rainbow this morning. Our full-term son was delivered on his scheduled date without complication. I am thankful for his loud cry upon birth and his awesome size. I am so glad he is here safely and is able to room in with me. What an incredible blessing this beautiful baby is! Oh, and he looks nothing like his big brother and big sister - maybe I am getting one that will look more like me this time (since my first two were spitting images of their Daddy). :)
Day 22: I am thankful to be able to eat solid foods today. I am grateful to be recovering from delivery and to be able to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner. I am loving my view this Thanksgiving, staring at a beautiful Rainbow while enjoying a special day with the people closest to me!
Day 23: I am thankful for the hospital staff. They are taking good care of us. I am grateful to have good health care and attentive nurses and techs.
Day 24: I am thankful for being able to go home today, and I am especially thankful for being able to bring my baby home from the hospital with me! I am grateful for my wheelchair ride today - I've been waiting three pregnancies to be able to ride in wheelchair from the hospital room to the car with a baby in my arms (instead of riding in the wheelchair with empty arms, once leaving my baby behind in the NICU and the next time leaving with my baby in heaven).
Day 25: I am thankful for stroller walks. I am grateful for my recovery going well and to be able to go for a walk just a few days after delivery. I am grateful for a double stroller to take both of my boys for a stroll and for a nice neighborhood through which to walk. I am also thankful for a beautiful day with perfect weather for our stroll!
Day 26: I am thankful for our Rainbow's weight gain. We had some concerns about his initial weight loss in the hospital, but our pediatrician was pleased that he has begun to regain weight (and is close to being back at his birth weight already). I am grateful for our pediatrician and for the lactation consultants at our hospital.
Day 27: I am thankful for those who provide meals and help for us during my recovery period. It is so nice to have people in our lives that bless us and help to make things a bit easier for us!
Day 28: I am thankful for my camera and for having the ability to record special moments and memories of our lives and our boys' childhoods. I enjoy looking at those pictures, seeing how much the boys have grown and changed, remembering special times and the magic of ordinary moments. I am so grateful for the pictures I have of Elena as well; those pictures mean so much to me!
Day 29: I am thankful for friends. I am grateful for time spent visiting with them, for cards mailed to us, messages and texts, phone calls. I appreciate their generosity, their love, and their support. We have so many friends that we love as family and are thankful for them all!
Day 30: I am thankful for family time, for my husband's ability to have time off work to spend with us as we adjust to becoming a family of five. It is so nice to just be together. We are incredibly blessed.
Thank you, Father, for all of our blessings, not only during the month of November but throughout the entire year. Please help us to remember to focus on our blessings, to be generous in sharing them with others, to appreciate them daily, and to give the glory to You, the source of them all. Amen.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
The Journey in November
I am linking up again this month with Still Standing for this month's journey. I was working on this entry yesterday, focusing on the anxiety that comes with a Rainbow pregnancy. I was a little surprised to find that Tara's blog entry was along a similar theme! Congratulations on your Rainbow pregnancy, Tara!
Elena's little brother is scheduled to arrive in just over two weeks. I have been so focused on STAYING pregnant that I have not given much thought to the pregnancy ending (other than fear that it will end too soon). I have finally begun to realize that this is REAL, though I still struggle with fears that even if I do make it to full term (tomorrow!) that there will be something that prevents me from taking this baby home too. I feel bad for thinking like that, for not being confident that this baby boy is really going to be okay, but I'm just terrified that he might not be. Perhaps it is because of my most recent experience with having a baby and not getting to keep her, or maybe it's just that I know too many women (both in real life and online) in the community who have not only lost one child but have lost their rainbows too. I'm not naive. I know that I lost Elena due to prematurity, but I'm not ignorant to the fact that prematurity is not the only reason that women lose their babies. I know something else could go wrong, and I'm scared that it will. I actually asked my (Christian) OB at my last appointment to please make sure the baby is baptized if something goes wrong during delivery. He agreed, but it was clear that it was a request that no one else has ever made of him. That's a part of my "new normal," I'm not really "normal" anymore.
Since realizing that this pregnancy is almost over (and that it is perfectly okay and normal that it's almost at the end), I am now frantically trying to get things ready, things to which I have not given much thought (like setting up the bassinet, getting clothes ready, buying diapers and wipes, the simplest basics). We finally bought a package of diapers and wipes over the weekend, and my husband took out the boxes of baby clothes for me to sort and wash. I am just starting that task. The first load of receiving blankets and some pajamas was easy to throw in the washing machine - they are all items that have already been used previously. I struggled, however, with the next load. It took all day long to bring myself to take the tags off of anything that is new for this baby. I don't know what my problem is. It's like I was afraid of washing them and making them no longer "new." Tempting fate to prepare for things to go right? But it's awfully hard to pack a hospital bag when baby's clothes still have the tags attached! I also realized that I have no idea what outfit I want the baby to wear in his hospital pictures (or if I even have an outfit that I like well enough for hospital pictures), and I'm scrambling to find a baptism outfit that I like (I have in mind exactly what I want but can't find it online and will not be getting out to the stores). There is still so much to do, and I'm (finally!) starting to think about what needs to be done!
I think I'm still in a bit of denial. I have mixed feelings about this pregnancy ending. Of course I am very excited and want so badly to meet my new little guy and to just to hold his full term weight in my arms and hear him cry loudly! I still can't comprehend the idea that I may get to take this baby home with me when I leave the hospital! It's an incredible thought, but though it's my third baby, it's still an abstract concept. I am also trying to come to grips with the fact that I will have a section this time. Believe me, I know the most important thing is that the baby arrives healthy and full term, and if a section would have saved Elena there would have been no hesitation to have one, but a part of me is mourning the fact this baby will not arrive "naturally." Childbirth was quick and easy for me the first two times (it was staying pregnant long enough that was the challenging part). I wish I could experience another natural childbirth with a happier ending (instead of the first scary one and the second heartbreaking one). But again, I know the happier ending is far more important than how baby arrives. I'm just a little sad (and a lot scared).
And most of all, I'm finding myself missing Elena especially hard at the moment. I see all the baby things everywhere, and I can't help but be wistful when I see the girl things. I ran across a beautiful 12 month Christmas dress today while looking for a baptism outfit, and I wished so much that I had a reason to buy it. I wish that this little boy would be able to know his big sister. I wish that our new family pictures that will soon be taken would have all five of us in them, instead of missing someone. We are always missing someone, even in the midst of such a wonderful time as we prepare to meet our newest miracle blessing. And while we are ecstatic about his upcoming arrival, he is not a replacement for Elena. He is his own person, a miracle blessing in his own right, and we love him immeasurably. And we love our preschool son, our first miracle blessing, immeasurably. And we love Elena, our second miracle blessing, immeasurably, and we miss her so much. We love them all and wish we could hold them all.
Our first son, we are so proud of the big boy you are becoming! Our sweet Elena, we miss you and can't wait to see you again! Our new baby boy, we are so excited to meet you very soon! We love you all!
Elena's little brother is scheduled to arrive in just over two weeks. I have been so focused on STAYING pregnant that I have not given much thought to the pregnancy ending (other than fear that it will end too soon). I have finally begun to realize that this is REAL, though I still struggle with fears that even if I do make it to full term (tomorrow!) that there will be something that prevents me from taking this baby home too. I feel bad for thinking like that, for not being confident that this baby boy is really going to be okay, but I'm just terrified that he might not be. Perhaps it is because of my most recent experience with having a baby and not getting to keep her, or maybe it's just that I know too many women (both in real life and online) in the community who have not only lost one child but have lost their rainbows too. I'm not naive. I know that I lost Elena due to prematurity, but I'm not ignorant to the fact that prematurity is not the only reason that women lose their babies. I know something else could go wrong, and I'm scared that it will. I actually asked my (Christian) OB at my last appointment to please make sure the baby is baptized if something goes wrong during delivery. He agreed, but it was clear that it was a request that no one else has ever made of him. That's a part of my "new normal," I'm not really "normal" anymore.
Since realizing that this pregnancy is almost over (and that it is perfectly okay and normal that it's almost at the end), I am now frantically trying to get things ready, things to which I have not given much thought (like setting up the bassinet, getting clothes ready, buying diapers and wipes, the simplest basics). We finally bought a package of diapers and wipes over the weekend, and my husband took out the boxes of baby clothes for me to sort and wash. I am just starting that task. The first load of receiving blankets and some pajamas was easy to throw in the washing machine - they are all items that have already been used previously. I struggled, however, with the next load. It took all day long to bring myself to take the tags off of anything that is new for this baby. I don't know what my problem is. It's like I was afraid of washing them and making them no longer "new." Tempting fate to prepare for things to go right? But it's awfully hard to pack a hospital bag when baby's clothes still have the tags attached! I also realized that I have no idea what outfit I want the baby to wear in his hospital pictures (or if I even have an outfit that I like well enough for hospital pictures), and I'm scrambling to find a baptism outfit that I like (I have in mind exactly what I want but can't find it online and will not be getting out to the stores). There is still so much to do, and I'm (finally!) starting to think about what needs to be done!
I think I'm still in a bit of denial. I have mixed feelings about this pregnancy ending. Of course I am very excited and want so badly to meet my new little guy and to just to hold his full term weight in my arms and hear him cry loudly! I still can't comprehend the idea that I may get to take this baby home with me when I leave the hospital! It's an incredible thought, but though it's my third baby, it's still an abstract concept. I am also trying to come to grips with the fact that I will have a section this time. Believe me, I know the most important thing is that the baby arrives healthy and full term, and if a section would have saved Elena there would have been no hesitation to have one, but a part of me is mourning the fact this baby will not arrive "naturally." Childbirth was quick and easy for me the first two times (it was staying pregnant long enough that was the challenging part). I wish I could experience another natural childbirth with a happier ending (instead of the first scary one and the second heartbreaking one). But again, I know the happier ending is far more important than how baby arrives. I'm just a little sad (and a lot scared).
And most of all, I'm finding myself missing Elena especially hard at the moment. I see all the baby things everywhere, and I can't help but be wistful when I see the girl things. I ran across a beautiful 12 month Christmas dress today while looking for a baptism outfit, and I wished so much that I had a reason to buy it. I wish that this little boy would be able to know his big sister. I wish that our new family pictures that will soon be taken would have all five of us in them, instead of missing someone. We are always missing someone, even in the midst of such a wonderful time as we prepare to meet our newest miracle blessing. And while we are ecstatic about his upcoming arrival, he is not a replacement for Elena. He is his own person, a miracle blessing in his own right, and we love him immeasurably. And we love our preschool son, our first miracle blessing, immeasurably. And we love Elena, our second miracle blessing, immeasurably, and we miss her so much. We love them all and wish we could hold them all.
Our first son, we are so proud of the big boy you are becoming! Our sweet Elena, we miss you and can't wait to see you again! Our new baby boy, we are so excited to meet you very soon! We love you all!
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