Missing Crayons & Camp

This year the back-to-school tears for the ones missing school started early, while school supply shopping last month. Our youngest started middle school this year. With no more kids in elementary school, there were no crayons on any of our school supply lists. Quinn would have started kindergarten. Quinn would have needed crayons. But I didn't have to buy crayons. I never imagined crying over crayons. But here we are. 

Our oldest started the school year off with the annual high school overnight outdoor education field trip at camp last week. Elena would have started high school. Elena would have gone to high school outdoor ed for the first time. But I didn't have to pack her things. 

And here we are on the official first day of school. Incredibly blessed and deeply thankful for three growing boys at an amazing school. And deeply aching for the missing freshman and the missing kindergartner who didn't get to join their brothers on the first day. 

"Praise the Lord! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting. The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:1-3

Fifteen & Five

Oh May. For the fifth time, for the fifteenth time... Here we are again in May.... The month still isn't easier, even all these years later. Quinn's due date was earlier in May, and Elena's birthday is Saturday. 

Baby Q would have just celebrated birthday number 5 - a whole hand old. Quinn's big brothers would have adored Baby Q (and to be honest, would have at times been frustrated and annoyed by the littlest sibling, too, I'm sure). And Baby Q would no longer really be a baby. We would enjoy reading to our favorite preschooler, who would perhaps even be starting to sound out words in the beginning readers. We would be outdoors riding bikes, swimming, and going to the zoo. Lots of little fun would fill our home. 

And Sweet Elena would be turning 15. How is that even possible? Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I held her in my arms, in awe of her tiny but perfect body. I can close my eyes and be right there in the delivery room again, wondering at her long fingers if she might have been a basketball player. Yet other times it feels so distant, a lifetime away. Oh how I miss her! She would have been so excited to finish up the last week of school, graduating 8th grade the night before her birthday with the entire summer ahead.  What a weekend of celebration she would be anticipating! We all would. 

I try to focus on the joy of having had them, despite the brevity, but sometimes I just feel so completely robbed. Two unoccupied seats in the car, two empty chairs at the dining table, two voices unheard, two smiles absent from photographs. Two entire lifetimes missing, and the rest of my life to miss them. 

My sweet babies. Five and fifteen. I love you always and can't wait to hold you in heaven. Until we meet again....

"But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." Romans 8:25