There are always reminders, some subtle, some glaring. I use "reminders" loosely - I don't need reminders. I remember always, even without them. So no one or nothing really "reminds" me. I guess they are more connections than reminders, ways in which she "fits into" situations, conversations, events.
Elena will be a big sister again. And again, pregnancy after loss is emotionally difficult (and that's an understatement).
I had our "anatomy scan" on Friday. Baby looks good. We have decided to wait until birth to find out baby's sex (though I am positive baby is a boy). We'll see if we can keep from finding out with all my extra sonograms over the next several months (I guess that's the silver lining of a high risk pregnancy - lots of opportunities to check on baby and get those prenatal black & white photos).
At any rate, the ultrasound included lots of measurements. Baby measured 21 weeks, 2 days and is 15 ounces...the EXACT gestational age and weight at which Elena was born (and a little bigger than expected based on due date). All the feels.
Such a bittersweet moment. So many emotions. This baby, cradled safely inside of me for the moment, the same size as (his) big sister was when I held her for the first and last time. I know exactly how 15 ounces feels cradled in my arms, what 21+2 weeks looks like. It was almost like getting a glimpse of this new precious child - I know what that looks like, so perfect yet so impossibly small. Those little fingers and toes, complete with nails, sweet head already topped with (blond) hair, eyelashes already grown. Perfect, tiny baby. I can picture this baby in incredible detail because of Elena. This tiny baby, still safe, when Elena wasn't. She wasn't nestled in my womb at 21+2. My body forced her out - it wasn't the safe haven it was supposed to be for her. I should have seen her on a sonogram screen at that gestation, not face-to-face in a hospital room. I miss her. And yet it was almost as if she was there on Friday, sending a little wave from heaven, saying, "Hi Mommy! Here I am!" A precious gift. These "reminders," these connections, these "waves from heaven," glimpses of my sweet baby girl, they are always precious gifts, bittersweet and cherished.
