Reassurance

After keeping a panic attack at bay for months, I finally succumbed to it this morning.  My nurse called with my glucose test results (I passed the three hour test - yea!), and I dumped on her my probably normal symptoms and my anxiety.  Yes, I had a sonogram just last week; yes, I see the high risk specialist later this week; and yes, I do want to come in TODAY to be seen.  I finally had my "anxiety appointment."

I am more than 8 weeks farther in my pregnancy than the point at which Elena was born.  I am just a few weeks away from the point at which my son entered the world (my healthy, meeting-his-milestones preschooler who does not appear any worse for the wear after his preterm birth).  I thought I would be calm after I reached viability, and I did feel a bit more relaxed for a while.  The anxiety has been creeping up on me again over the last week or so.  I finally decided that I don't care if I get the reputation of crazy, paranoid pregnant lady who is overreacting because her last baby died.  I just had the awful sense that something was not right, and I would rather be proven wrong today than to wait to see my MFM later in the week and to be told, "I am so sorry, but I can't find the heartbeat" and then live with the regret of not taking action.

I dreamed last night (when I was able to sleep - insomnia has been hanging out with me again) that I was trying to decide if I should go to the hospital to get checked since I was just feeling uneasy.  That had been the reality of my weekend - debating if I should go get a peace of mind doppler on my belly or if I just needed to relax.  In my dream I went to the bathroom and found that I was bleeding heavily.  I knew I had to go in at that point, that something was indeed wrong.  I woke up to find that I was okay, but I thought, "This is ridiculous.  I do not need to be this stressed out over the situation.  I need to go ahead and see the doctor, even if there is no logical reason, even if it is just so that I can sleep again."  Even my very logical, level-headed husband, who does not overreact in emotional situations, had no objection to me asking to be seen and agreed to meet me at the doctor to entertain our preschooler during the appointment.  I am so grateful for how supportive he is!  So I rambled every concern running through my mind to the nurse, and she invited me to come in right away.

My doctor was wonderful.  He actually told me that he was surprised I had not called earlier this pregnancy asking to be seen because I was worried.  He said there was nothing pathological in my anxiety, especially given my "horrible obstetric history."  It was nice to be reassured and not to be criticized in the least, not to be made to feel one bit bad about an extra visit (and though I was prepared for an eye roll or a lecture, neither came).  On top of that, he went above and beyond medically to make sure we had covered every base and that nothing concerning was happening.  Everything looks fine.  Apparently my vague feelings of "something just isn't right" was not "mother's intuition" but just plain fear and anxiety.  Huge sigh of relief!

I am so thankful and so blessed to still be pregnant.  I know that every day.  I am also blessed with outstanding prenatal care, and I am so grateful to have the medical team supporting me that I do.  But wow, pregnancy after loss is hard - not that I would wish it away, mind you!  It is just a huge rollercoaster.  I am praying that I can keep my emotions in check for the next couple of months, to trust that things are going fine and that I can have a "normal" pregnancy with a good outcome, that today will be my one and only "anxiety appointment."  And I am so thankful for reassurance.