I am linking up again this month with The Journey at Still Standing.
September. (sigh)
My birthday is almost here again. Elena's due date is in a month. She "should" be almost one year old (and yet we celebrated her first birthday a few months ago). I suspected she would come before her due date. I had hoped she would be my birthday present, perhaps make the day a little happier again.
My birthday had become bittersweet. My Nana died on my birthday 4 years ago. She never got to hear the news that she would be a great-grandmother. We found out we were expecting a baby just two months later. I wish I had told her that we were trying. She died suddenly, unexpectedly, and I miss her so much! I was heartbroken that she was not here to meet our son. I wondered if she knew in heaven that we now had a child.
When we learned that our next child was due a couple of weeks following my birthday, the anniversary of Nana's death, I wished that we could make it to that day. It would be a special day, and it was close enough to the due date that the baby would be considered term. When we learned the baby was a girl, I was ecstatic and knew that we would name her after Nana. How cool would it be to share my birthday with my daughter, who was named for my Nana, who died on our birthday? I didn't dream that Nana would be the one holding her namesake each day instead of me. I don't wonder anymore if Nana knows that we have children.
Now my birthday is even more bitter and less sweet. Not only do I miss my Nana, but I miss my daughter. My birthday is a reminder of lost dreams and broken hearts, of unfulfilled wishes and unspoken pain. And then Elena's due date, beginning of October, the same day as my brother's birthday. Another sweet day soured by death. Oh how the numbers on the calendar sting my heart!
Elena, Sweet Princess, I love you dearly and miss you daily. Hug Nana for me.
Nana, I love you and so wish you hadn't left so soon. Please take care of my baby girl until I join you both.
I am so sorry you have many bittersweet days filling your calender. May peace & comfort be yours~
ReplyDeleteThank you, Kate.
DeleteI found you through the Journey link up. My birthday is approaching also and I remember when I found out I was expecting last November that I was going to be a mommy on my next birthday. Never did I think that I would be a mommy to a baby in Heaven instead of in my arms. I'm sorry that you know the bitterness of loss also.
ReplyDeleteKristy, I am sorry for your loss as well. I think everyone expects significant dates relating to baby (birth date, death date, due date) and even major holidays to be difficult days, but they seem to forget that seemingly "innocent" special days, like our birthdays (and the smaller holidays), hurt our hearts too. I remember people asking me last year what I wanted for my birthday, just a few months after Elena died. I wanted to scream, "What do you mean, what do I want?! I just want my baby!" I am so sorry that you have to face your birthday without your baby.
Delete