Walking With You 2013: Steps Back into Life

Week 3's Walking With You topic is "Steps Back into Life."
"Share about your first steps back into life. What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps? Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn’t embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child? How do you cope with those struggles? What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope? How has this changed for you from the beginning? If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal….life without your baby?"

I've struggled with this post, not sure what to write.  I don't know that I had any remarkable "first steps," not that I can recall at least.  Although I wanted to crawl into bed and stay there, I felt like I just could not do that.  I had to take care of too many details, and I had a toddler at home.  Life just kept plowing forward.  I was angry about that - angry that the sun dared shine the day of Elena's memorial service.  But what could I do to stop it?  I didn't know what to do, so I did my best to act brave and kept going.  I cried a lot at home.  I fell apart when my husband was home to take care of our son.  But for the most part, I focused all my energy on keeping it somewhat together for our toddler. 

My maternity leave allowed me to miss the end of the school year, so when I returned to work, it was at the beginning of the following school year at the same time as everyone else returning.  That made it easy for people to not really have to say anything to me about Elena.  Everyone was busy catching up with each other, talking about their exciting events of the summer.  It did not really feel appropriate to answer "What did you do this summer?" with "Oh, I spend the summer crying and grieving the loss of my daughter."  I just listened to everyone share about their summers and wished someone would acknowledge my baby.  A few of my close coworkers, people I consider friends, did.  My coworker who had lost her own infant son several years before me made a trip to my school to hug me and check on me.  She noticed my locket and asked to see Elena's picture.  For the most part, though, it was a quiet return to work...until I started seeing students again and learned that no one had bothered to tell them in May.  They asked why I was no longer pregnant, so I had to tell them, months after my loss.  I was pleasantly surprised with how most of them reacted, high school students showing so much compassion...not that they always said the most appropriate things, but they TRIED, they said SOMETHING, they were sincere in their efforts, they didn't ignore it.  I loved that about them.

There are absolutely still hurts from those early days (and more recent ones) that linger.  There were family members who never acknowledged our loss, who did not attend her memorial service or send a card or even call; others who came and stayed with us and turned the day into a swim party.  There were the awful comments about how we could always have another baby and the even worse ones about how maybe we should NOT have any more children with our history.  There were people who I thought would participate in Elena's first birthday tribute who ignored it and the close family member who actually forgot Elena's name.  People have cringed at the mention of her, walked away when we spoke her name, even said that it really wasn't that big of a deal.  And as more and more time passes, fewer and fewer people acknowledge her life, even those who were very supportive initially.

It is so difficult to not let a world that chooses not to understand or acknowledge baby loss cause distress to our hearts.  Our children are so precious, so valuable, so loved, that insensitive comments and actions cut deep.  But I don't want to be imprisoned by hurt and anger.  I try to focus on the people who do love Elena and support us, who remember her and show compassion to us.  And I try to remember that the majority of people just do not get it; they just don't understand.  Even if they are insensitive, I do not believe that they have malicious intent.  I try to forgive them for just not knowing what to say to me, what to do in this situation.  Some days that is easier than others.  I am active in a "real life" infant loss support group which has been so healing for me.  The online community is also full of beautiful mommas who understand.  I lean on those who have been there for support, and I am so thankful for them.  I try to keep my focus on the love and support I receive.  I try to write my feelings when I am struggling.  And I rejoice in the reassurance of our Lord that I will enjoy eternity with my sweet girl. 

My advice for anyone new on this journey is that even if those in your life do not support you or acknowledge your precious child, there are lots of people out here who will.  Find them and lean on them and allow them to walk with you.  And remember God's promises, that He will never leave us, that Jesus has gone before us to prepare a place for us, and that our babies are already in that magnificent place.  Jesus blessed the little children and loved them, and He loves our babies too.

"He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these....And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them." Mark 10:14,16