Walking With You 2013: Introduction and Where are You Now?

I am joining Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries for a six week "Walking with You" blog series.  This first week's topic is "Introduction and Where are You Now?"

I am the wife of a wonderful man and the mother of three beautiful children: a son who is three years, a son who is seven weeks, and a daughter who is in heaven.

Our sweet Elena was born in May 2011, only 21 weeks into my pregnancy, absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way, just too tiny for earth (more of her story can be found on the Elena's Story page).  She lived 2 hours, 17 minutes.  I treasure every moment we had with her, both before and after her birth, and miss her terribly.

It has been a little over a year and a half since Elena died.  The pain is not constantly as raw as it was, but it is still ever present.  I know it always will be.  Some moments I feel a sense of peace.  I know I will see my sweet princess again when I reach Home too.  I am so thankful for her life and that I got to be her mom and so grateful to see how her life, brief as it was, impacted and continues to impact the world (for more on that, see the Elena's Echoes page).  Yet it is still hard.  There are still times of deep grief, still days when the tears fall freely.  I do trust that God can and does bring healing, but that does not stop me from having so many questions about why and from sometimes still feeling very angry.  Thankfully I know that He loves me through my pain, my doubts, my questioning, even my anger.

I suppose I have come a long way on this journey.  I remember reading the Walking with You posts last year, before I began blogging.  A part of me longed to join in at that time, but I was not ready yet.  I desperately want Elena to be remembered, but I also am very protective of her and did not feel comfortable sharing her so openly with total strangers.  Plus I had no idea how to start a blog, and the idea of trying to learn while in the throes of grief was completely overwhelming.  Now that I have spent more time in this "baby loss world," I feel more comfortable with the community.  I still wish I didn't have a reason to be here, but there are so many amazing families walking this same path.  I am in good company.  I guess one could say I am also more comfortable (not exactly the right word but I'm not sure how else to describe it) with my role as bereaved mother - not that I am any happier about it, but I suppose I have found a way to live it, to incorporate bereaved mother as part of what makes me who I am today.  It is now my "new normal," as many of us call it.  In a way, it sometimes seems so long ago.  It's hard to remember who I was before Elena.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I know it is indicative of healing, but it also makes me sad.  I don't like that it is my "normal" that Elena is not here.  I learn to live with that reality because I don't have a choice, but it's still not okay.  It is heartbreaking that so many of us know what it is like to outlive our children.  It is not the natural order of things.  It shouldn't be this way.  Yet it is our life now, every day.

I realize that I am just rambling.  I'm not sure where I am going or what point I am trying to make.  I guess I am saying that I'm not entirely sure how to answer "where are you now?" because I don't exactly know.  I know that the grief journey is not a straight path but is full of twists and turns, mountains and valleys, storms and even rainbows.  I don't know what lies ahead, but I do have many wonderful people walking with me.  And I know that my God is with me as well "because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" (Hebrews 13:5)