How can it have been three years since I held you? Some days it feels like an eternity has passed since I cradled your tiny body in my arms; other times it seems only a moment ago that I had to let you go. I miss you so much. Your prints hang in our family room, your little feet that left such a huge imprint, your tiny hands that still hold our hearts. I look at your picture and reminisce how beautiful you were. I wish I knew if your eyes were as dark as your big brother's - you looked so much like him! I wish I could have watched you grow. I wish you were here, at three. Would you enjoy climbing trees and swimming with your big brother? Would you laugh with the glee on the carousel and get excited about all the animals at the zoo like your little brother? Would our house be cluttered with dolls and ballet slippers and little frilly dresses? Oh, how I wish I knew! How I wish you were here!
My arms ache to cradle you again. I long to pull you into my lap for story time and to bury my face in your soft hair (I can only guess that it would have remained blond like it was at birth) for top-of-the-head kisses, to sing you a lullaby. I feel so robbed. Not only did I lose my precious baby, but I also lost an entire lifetime with you. Why? It's not supposed to be this way. I miss you so much, every day. I ache for you so much, not only on these special occasions like your birthday, but in the everyday, ordinary moments as well. Your absence is always present. You are always missing, always missed.
I thank God for your earthly life, brief as it was, and I am eternally grateful that I am your Mom. I would do anything to have been able to save you, but I wouldn't trade being your mom for anything. Elena, you are such a blessing to me, to your family. We all love you so very much.
I hope you have an amazing birthday celebration in heaven. I am sorry I can't be there to celebrate with you. Someday I will get to celebrate with you, and for that I thank God as well. Someday I will know the color of your eyes, and someday I will get to hold you in my arms and sing "Happy Birthday" to you. But for now, I desperately hope that you know how much we love you, how much we wanted you, still want you, and how we look forward to our reunion. We wish you the happiest birthday, our beautiful princess.
All of our love always,
Mommy, Daddy, and Brothers
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