You snuck up on me this year. Between school activities, end of the school year events, practices, sporting games, musical recitals, other kid things, and several major projects going on at home, I somehow overlooked that you were almost here. This morning hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not expecting that. May 13. Here you are. May 13 and the following 10 days are among the hardest of the year for me. Eight years ago today I had Long John Silver's for lunch after working my typical half day Friday. Eight years ago I picked up my napping toddler from preschool. Eight years ago I realized my bleeding had picked up quite a bit. Eight years ago I called my husband to come home from work to take me to the hospital. Eight years ago I learned that I wasn't going to leave that hospital until my baby was born. Eight years ago my daughter's life was in danger. Eight years ago I was terrified.
May 13....
You mark the beginning of the end of my pregnancy with my sweet baby girl. The last day I would step foot outside and breathe fresh air while carrying my precious baby. The last time I would eat fast food fried fish without fighting back tears. The last time I'd sit at our dining table without seeing an empty chair. The last day I would drive a car without an empty seat in my rear view mirror. The last time I would go to work before becoming the mother of a dead baby. The last day time was measured simply as time and not divided into "before" and "after." The last time I would be at home with my family complete. The last day that life would ever be "normal" again.
May 13....
My little girl and I fought for 10 more days beyond you, but it wasn't long enough. Seeing your number on the calendar brings so many painful memories crashing down around me. So many what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. Eight years ago, I was terrified, but I was hopeful. Eight years ago I didn't yet know what our futures held. Today I know how you play out, May 13. Today I know that I would only have 10 more days with my sweet princess after you. Today the missing of her aches especially hard. Oh, May 13....
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