Today "should be" Elena's first birthday. She was due the first of October, one year ago today. I remember my preschooler's first birthday, and I so wish I was having a similar celebration for Elena today. Instead, her birthday celebration was months ago, and instead of a big party, it was just our "little family" writing messages on balloons and releasing them into the sky, watching them soar toward the heavens until we could no longer see them, doing our best to explain to our son why his little sister was not here to eat her first piece of cake, sitting in the prayer garden thinking of all the things we wish we could say to our daughter, longing to hold her instead of settling for remembering her. I am so glad to remember her, though, and so thankful that our little family, as well as some of our extended family and dear friends, continue to talk about her and to celebrate her life instead of trying to flee from the memories and ignore her importance.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Carly Marie is hosting a Capture Your Grief photo project this month. I decided to try to participate and took Day 1's photo this morning. The subject for today was "Sunrise." As I reflected on the subject, I thought about how the sunrise is a beginning. The start of a new day. I guess it seems a bit appropriate for me that the start of this project just happens to coincide with the day which "should have been" the day Elena's life started on earth. We dreamed it would be the beginning of our lives with a daughter in our home. The sunrise one year ago should have welcomed Elena to earth, and the sunrise today should have started her second year in our arms.
After Elena died, I was obviously upset (there's an understatement!), with everything and everyone. I remember feeling a bit satisfied with the rainy, overcast day. Good, I thought when the dreariness of the day showed itself. It should be rainy and gloomy, just like I feel. The sky should cry for her. She deserves nothing less than for the world to stop and mourn her. I was angry the day of her memorial service, the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, angry that the weather was beautiful and that the sun dared to shine on the day we publicly remembered our precious daughter's much-too-brief life. How dare the sun rise that day! How dare it be a lovely day when my daughter was not here with us. How could life go on without sweet Elena? But it did.
The sun continues to rise, every morning, without fail. And we continue to remember our precious daughter, constantly. She is always in our hearts and on our minds. We may talk about her more around anniversary dates and holidays, but we think about her even when we do not speak her name out loud. That is as constant as the sunrise every morning.
All of our love, Sweet Baby Girl! We look forward to our reunion and celebrating with you in eternity to make up for all we are missing with you here on earth. Happy First "Corrected" Birthday!
Thank you.
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