The Journey in November

I am linking up again this month with Still Standing for this month's journey.  I was working on this entry yesterday, focusing on the anxiety that comes with a Rainbow pregnancy.  I was a little surprised to find that Tara's blog entry was along a similar theme!  Congratulations on your Rainbow pregnancy, Tara!

Elena's little brother is scheduled to arrive in just over two weeks.  I have been so focused on STAYING pregnant that I have not given much thought to the pregnancy ending (other than fear that it will end too soon).  I have finally begun to realize that this is REAL, though I still struggle with fears that even if I do make it to full term (tomorrow!) that there will be something that prevents me from taking this baby home too.  I feel bad for thinking like that, for not being confident that this baby boy is really going to be okay, but I'm just terrified that he might not be.  Perhaps it is because of my most recent experience with having a baby and not getting to keep her, or maybe it's just that I know too many women (both in real life and online) in the community who have not only lost one child but have lost their rainbows too.  I'm not naive.  I know that I lost Elena due to prematurity, but I'm not ignorant to the fact that prematurity is not the only reason that women lose their babies.  I know something else could go wrong, and I'm scared that it will.  I actually asked my (Christian) OB at my last appointment to please make sure the baby is baptized if something goes wrong during delivery.  He agreed, but it was clear that it was a request that no one else has ever made of him.  That's a part of my "new normal," I'm not really "normal" anymore.

Since realizing that this pregnancy is almost over (and that it is perfectly okay and normal that it's almost at the end), I am now frantically trying to get things ready, things to which I have not given much thought (like setting up the bassinet, getting clothes ready, buying diapers and wipes, the simplest basics).  We finally bought a package of diapers and wipes over the weekend, and my husband took out the boxes of baby clothes for me to sort and wash.  I am just starting that task.  The first load of receiving blankets and some pajamas was easy to throw in the washing machine - they are all items that have already been used previously.  I struggled, however, with the next load.  It took all day long to bring myself to take the tags off of anything that is new for this baby.  I don't know what my problem is.  It's like I was afraid of washing them and making them no longer "new."  Tempting fate to prepare for things to go right?  But it's awfully hard to pack a hospital bag when baby's clothes still have the tags attached!  I also realized that I have no idea what outfit I want the baby to wear in his hospital pictures (or if I even have an outfit that I like well enough for hospital pictures), and I'm scrambling to find a baptism outfit that I like (I have in mind exactly what I want but can't find it online and will not be getting out to the stores).  There is still so much to do, and I'm (finally!) starting to think about what needs to be done!

I think I'm still in a bit of denial.  I have mixed feelings about this pregnancy ending.  Of course I am very excited and want so badly to meet my new little guy and to just to hold his full term weight in my arms and hear him cry loudly!  I still can't comprehend the idea that I may get to take this baby home with me when I leave the hospital!  It's an incredible thought, but though it's my third baby, it's still an abstract concept.  I am also trying to come to grips with the fact that I will have a section this time.  Believe me, I know the most important thing is that the baby arrives healthy and full term, and if a section would have saved Elena there would have been no hesitation to have one, but a part of me is mourning the fact this baby will not arrive "naturally."  Childbirth was quick and easy for me the first two times (it was staying pregnant long enough that was the challenging part).  I wish I could experience another natural childbirth with a happier ending (instead of the first scary one and the second heartbreaking one).  But again, I know the happier ending is far more important than how baby arrives.  I'm just a little sad (and a lot scared).

And most of all, I'm finding myself missing Elena especially hard at the moment.  I see all the baby things everywhere, and I can't help but be wistful when I see the girl things.  I ran across a beautiful 12 month Christmas dress today while looking for a baptism outfit, and I wished so much that I had a reason to buy it.  I wish that this little boy would be able to know his big sister.  I wish that our new family pictures that will soon be taken would have all five of us in them, instead of missing someone.  We are always missing someone, even in the midst of such a wonderful time as we prepare to meet our newest miracle blessing.  And while we are ecstatic about his upcoming arrival, he is not a replacement for Elena.  He is his own person, a miracle blessing in his own right, and we love him immeasurably.  And we love our preschool son, our first miracle blessing, immeasurably.  And we love Elena, our second miracle blessing, immeasurably, and we miss her so much.  We love them all and wish we could hold them all.

Our first son, we are so proud of the big boy you are becoming!  Our sweet Elena, we miss you and can't wait to see you again!  Our new baby boy, we are so excited to meet you very soon!  We love you all!