Day 1: Sunrise.
With the sky overcast, there was not much of a sunrise to photograph. This is our neighborhood park around the time of sunrise. October 1 marked the 2nd anniversary of Elena's due date. I wonder if she would enjoy riding to the park in the wagon as much as her brothers...if she would insist on dragging a baby doll everywhere with us...if she would be cautious or daring, serious or fun-loving...which personality traits of mine, of her Daddy's, of each of her brothers' would she have? We spent the evening of her due date anniversary at this same park, watching her brothers play, wondering what her favorite thing at the park would be.
Day 2: Identity.
Elena means "Light" and is a form of my paternal grandmother's middle name, and Marie (one of the meanings is "wished-for child") is my middle name as well as my mother's middle name. My entire life I wanted my daughter to share our middle name.
Elena was born early in the morning on May 23, 2011. She was over 10 inches long and was just shy of 1 pound. She was perfect. She looked so much like her older brother! She had blond hair, pretty eyelashes, and the tiniest fingernails I've ever seen. She had long hands and fingers and big feet. We wondered aloud that morning if she would have been a basketball player with those big hands and feet!
Elena lived in this world a little over 2 hours. We feel so blessed to have had that precious time with her, bathing her, holding her, loving her before she was called Home.
Elena Marie, our princess, sweet little sister, precious big sister, beloved daughter, child of God.
Elena means "Light" and is a form of my paternal grandmother's middle name, and Marie (one of the meanings is "wished-for child") is my middle name as well as my mother's middle name. My entire life I wanted my daughter to share our middle name.
Elena was born early in the morning on May 23, 2011. She was over 10 inches long and was just shy of 1 pound. She was perfect. She looked so much like her older brother! She had blond hair, pretty eyelashes, and the tiniest fingernails I've ever seen. She had long hands and fingers and big feet. We wondered aloud that morning if she would have been a basketball player with those big hands and feet!
Elena lived in this world a little over 2 hours. We feel so blessed to have had that precious time with her, bathing her, holding her, loving her before she was called Home.
Elena Marie, our princess, sweet little sister, precious big sister, beloved daughter, child of God.
Day 3: Myths.
I believe that most people just do not want to see a loved one hurting, and living without my daughter does hurt. However, the thought of Elena being forgotten is absolutely unbearable to me. The suggestion that I would be happier if I would only not think about her is hurtful to me. First of all, I’m not sure how I would go about forgetting my child even if I wanted to forget her. She is a part of me as much as my boys are, and I think of her as often as I think of my sons, and I am grateful for that. I am glad that I think of her, and I am thankful for her. I would not give up being her mother even if it did mean I would not know this pain. Secondly, it has been my experience that talking about my daughter is much more healing than remaining silent. Just as other parents enjoy talking about their children, I love talking about mine too, Elena included. Her name is music to my ears – I love hearing it being spoken aloud and love seeing it written. Anytime someone asks about her, says her name, lets me know they are remembering - it is a moment I treasure. To know her life is important to others too, that others consider her worth remembering and mentioning, is such a blessing to me. Perhaps it is difficult for those who have not experienced this loss to understand why I need to remember and talk about my daughter, and maybe it would be easier for some if I forgot my child so they would not be reminded that a lot of things in life really are outside of our control, but I already have to live without my daughter every day for the rest of my life. And for me, forgetting her would not be easier, and forgetting her is not an option. I will always remember and always love her. Thank you for remembering with me.
Day 4: Legacy.
Elena’s life has definitely had and continues to have a tremendous impact. So many nice things have been done for our family because of her, and so many acts of kindness have been done for others as well because of her. I try to document some of the ways Elena has touched the world on our blog “Elena’s Echoes.” http://
Day 6: Ritual
We participate in MEND's annual Walk to Remember each year (which happens to fall near Elena's due date anniversary). The ceremony concludes with a beautiful balloon release - we write messages on pink balloons and let them go for her.
Day 7: You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?
Most days I feel very blessed. I have two beautiful sons with me here on earth, a beautiful daughter waiting for me in heaven, and an incredible husband who loves us all so much.
I will always be a bereaved mother, and I will always miss Elena and carry her with me in my heart. Strange as it may sound, there are gifts that come with this role, if I am willing to see them. Most days I try to be willing to see them, but sometimes it is still very hard.
I believe that through the grace of God I have come a very long way since the early days of unbearably heavy, crushing grief. However, I do not believe this is a journey that ends on earth. I believe that I will carry this grief even in my joy until I am reunited with my baby. In the meantime, I pray that I will continue to grow, to heal, to learn, and to see the beauty that Elena brought.
I believe that most people just do not want to see a loved one hurting, and living without my daughter does hurt. However, the thought of Elena being forgotten is absolutely unbearable to me. The suggestion that I would be happier if I would only not think about her is hurtful to me. First of all, I’m not sure how I would go about forgetting my child even if I wanted to forget her. She is a part of me as much as my boys are, and I think of her as often as I think of my sons, and I am grateful for that. I am glad that I think of her, and I am thankful for her. I would not give up being her mother even if it did mean I would not know this pain. Secondly, it has been my experience that talking about my daughter is much more healing than remaining silent. Just as other parents enjoy talking about their children, I love talking about mine too, Elena included. Her name is music to my ears – I love hearing it being spoken aloud and love seeing it written. Anytime someone asks about her, says her name, lets me know they are remembering - it is a moment I treasure. To know her life is important to others too, that others consider her worth remembering and mentioning, is such a blessing to me. Perhaps it is difficult for those who have not experienced this loss to understand why I need to remember and talk about my daughter, and maybe it would be easier for some if I forgot my child so they would not be reminded that a lot of things in life really are outside of our control, but I already have to live without my daughter every day for the rest of my life. And for me, forgetting her would not be easier, and forgetting her is not an option. I will always remember and always love her. Thank you for remembering with me.
Elena’s life has definitely had and continues to have a tremendous impact. So many nice things have been done for our family because of her, and so many acts of kindness have been done for others as well because of her. I try to document some of the ways Elena has touched the world on our blog “Elena’s Echoes.” http://
Day 5: Memory
I have so many memories, it was difficult to choose one. Many of the memories make me smile, but there are difficult ones as well. I chose one of my favorites for day 5.
When my husband arrived at the hospital (in record time), I told him that Elena would be here soon. The chaplain had been called but would likely not arrive in time for her birth. I remember Michael finding a cup and putting some water in it as we waited for my mom to get to the room to watch our son. When Elena was born a few minutes later, the first thing I remember happening was the nurse who delivered her checking her heartbeat and telling us that she was alive. Immediately after that, before the nurse even handed her to me, Michael baptized her. It was such a beautiful moment. I wish I had a photograph of it, but I am thankful for the Certificate of Baptism that the chaplain gave us when she arrived later and the nurse told her that she was already baptized.
I have so many memories, it was difficult to choose one. Many of the memories make me smile, but there are difficult ones as well. I chose one of my favorites for day 5.
When my husband arrived at the hospital (in record time), I told him that Elena would be here soon. The chaplain had been called but would likely not arrive in time for her birth. I remember Michael finding a cup and putting some water in it as we waited for my mom to get to the room to watch our son. When Elena was born a few minutes later, the first thing I remember happening was the nurse who delivered her checking her heartbeat and telling us that she was alive. Immediately after that, before the nurse even handed her to me, Michael baptized her. It was such a beautiful moment. I wish I had a photograph of it, but I am thankful for the Certificate of Baptism that the chaplain gave us when she arrived later and the nurse told her that she was already baptized.
Day 6: Ritual
We participate in MEND's annual Walk to Remember each year (which happens to fall near Elena's due date anniversary). The ceremony concludes with a beautiful balloon release - we write messages on pink balloons and let them go for her.
Day 7: You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?
Most days I feel very blessed. I have two beautiful sons with me here on earth, a beautiful daughter waiting for me in heaven, and an incredible husband who loves us all so much.
I will always be a bereaved mother, and I will always miss Elena and carry her with me in my heart. Strange as it may sound, there are gifts that come with this role, if I am willing to see them. Most days I try to be willing to see them, but sometimes it is still very hard.
I believe that through the grace of God I have come a very long way since the early days of unbearably heavy, crushing grief. However, I do not believe this is a journey that ends on earth. I believe that I will carry this grief even in my joy until I am reunited with my baby. In the meantime, I pray that I will continue to grow, to heal, to learn, and to see the beauty that Elena brought.
{photo of me walking from the Memorial Garden at church with my two sons}
Day 8: Color
Pink and green are the colors that remind me of Elena. Her birthstone was supposed to be pink but is actually green. My mom made us corsages to wear on my due date to the Walk to Remember using pink roses and the pink and green ribbon in this picture.
Pink and green are the colors that remind me of Elena. Her birthstone was supposed to be pink but is actually green. My mom made us corsages to wear on my due date to the Walk to Remember using pink roses and the pink and green ribbon in this picture.
Day 9: Music
I always think of Elena when I hear "This Little Light of Mine" by Addison Road. Elena's name means "light," and I heard this song on the radio frequently while I was carrying her. She is my little light.
"One day there will be no more pain, and we will finally see Jesus' face, so until then I'm gonna try to brave the dark and let my little light shine."
I always think of Elena when I hear "This Little Light of Mine" by Addison Road. Elena's name means "light," and I heard this song on the radio frequently while I was carrying her. She is my little light.
"One day there will be no more pain, and we will finally see Jesus' face, so until then I'm gonna try to brave the dark and let my little light shine."
Day 10: Beliefs
I believe that Elena is in heaven with our heavenly Father, the King of Kings, and that she is His precious child and therefore a princess in the Kingdom of Heaven. I believe that she is attended by angels and is in the presence of our Lord Jesus. I believe she knows no pain or suffering and that someday I will join her there.
Day 11: Emotional Triggers
I have a few emotional triggers, and they are not always the same. One of the biggest triggers for me is family pictures. I look at pictures of “all of us” together, but someone is always missing. It’s never really ALL of us. It’s hard for me to see her missing in every picture we take together (which is why we often include a symbol for her in our pictures, so that she is not left out).
{photo of my husband, my two sons, and me without a symbol for Elena}
Day 12: Article
I have read many articles and blogs that have been meaningful to me, but one series especially touched my heart. Sufficient Grace Ministries hosts an annual “Walking with You” series inviting participants to share their hearts on given topics relating to their losses. It is a wonderful opportunity to connect with others in the community and to give and receive support on this journey.
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Day 13: Book
A friend recommended “Heaven is for Real” to me shortly after Elena died. I read it while still fresh in grief, and while it was extremely difficult and I cried the entire time I read it, I could not put it down. It is written by a father whose three year old son visited heaven and returned to earth. I had the privilege of meeting and praying with Todd Burpo, the author, several months after Elena died. It was fascinating to hear him speak and to share more details of his son’s story.
Day 14: Family
As I wrote for Day 11 (Emotional Triggers), family pictures are difficult for me because I cannot help but notice that someone is missing. I love this picture so much more because, while Elena is not physically present, there is a physical reminder of her. She is acknowledged. We often include an acknowledgment of our daughter (our Elena bear, a special Willow Tree figurine, a photo of her feet) in our family pictures because she IS a part of our family and we like to acknowledge that.
{photo of my husband, my two sons, and me with our Elena bear}
Day 15: Wave of Light
On October 15, we lit a candle at 7 p.m. to participate in the International Wave of Light to remember and recognize all the babies who have departed earth too soon.
Day 16: Seasons
All of the holidays and seasons remind me of Elena. They all held the promise of her – I pictured spending them all with my daughter. We found out in the winter that we were expecting, she was due in the fall, I expected to spend the entire summer on hospital bed rest, and then she arrived in the late spring.
One of the biggest holidays that reminds me of Elena is Easter. Easter weekend was our last major holiday with her. It was the last time we saw extended family before she was born. This picture, taken that Easter, is the last family picture I have of us while pregnant with Elena. Easter is bittersweet. It holds so much of her for me, which I love but still find difficult. Easter celebrates life and resurrection. It is because of Easter that I have the promise of seeing her again.
{photo of my husband, my oldest, and me while pregnant at my Great-Grandmother's house}
Day 17: Time
October 17 marks 878 days since Elena was born and died. 2 years, 4 months, and 24 days. Some moments it feels like only yesterday since I held her, other times it feels like a lifetime ago. I miss her.
Day 18: Release
What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?
Most of the time I think I’ve done a pretty good job of letting go of the fears, the guilt, the worry, the deep sadness, the regrets. All of those stabbing feelings were so sharp in the early days, but for the most part, those feelings do not haunt me any longer. There are still times when I find myself grabbing them again, particularly the regrets and the guilt, but usually I am able to release them and to let them go.
Day 19: Support
My husband has been my biggest earthly support on this journey. He has walked beside me, hand-in-hand, every step of the way. He is my rock. He has done more for me than I could possibly recount. I have no idea where I would be without him – I don’t even want to try to imagine doing this without him.
Day 20: Hope
I do have hope. My children are a great source of hope for me. My Sunshine gave me hope and strength in the early days, and my Rainbow represents to me hope giving birth to life. Elena is hope for the eternal future. My faith is my biggest hope. I remember when everything felt as if it was falling apart, when nothing seemed “okay,” I realized that even if things here on earth were not okay, my baby girl is okay. She is at Home, she has received the goal of our faith, she is with Almighty God, and as long as she is okay, then I could find a bit of calm, a little peace. That is what got me through the darkest days of the storm, the knowledge that she is okay even when everything else is not. When I look at my children, I feel full of hope and joy.
{photo of my oldest sitting on a sun drawn with sidewalk chalk and my youngest sitting at the end of a chalk rainbow with raindrops drawn between them}
Day 21: Honor
Day 22: Words
Day 23: Jewelry
Day 24: Artwork
Day 25: #SayItOutLoud
Day 26: Community
Day 27: Signs
Day 28: Special Place
Day 29: Healing
Day 30: Growth
Day 31: Sunset
I've also been told that it would be easier to just forget. I honestly don't know what people are thinking when they say this. Do they really think I could forget the fact that I had a baby and that he died. I wish instead they'd be more compassionate and help me to remember him and keep his memory alive instead of pretending like he didn't exist. I'm so glad you're doing this project... I look forward to seeing all your photos! <3
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