October 1st

It is October again.  I've felt myself becoming increasingly on edge over the last couple of weeks leading up to today.  October 1st. 

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago.  My Nana, for whom Elena was named, has been gone 5 years now, 5 years exactly on my birthday. 

Today is my brother's birthday.  It was supposed to be Elena's birthday also.  These days that used to be so joyous...now they hold such pain in them too.

It was a beautiful Saturday, two years ago today.  It would have been a lovely day to have had a baby.  Instead, we went to the Walk to Remember hosted by M.E.N.D., hung a personalized angel ornament on a tree, and released a pink balloon for her.  It was a nice ceremony, a sweet tribute to too many babies gone too soon, but not as sweet as holding a healthy newborn daughter would have been. 

More tears than can be counted.  But God knows them; each tear that falls He sees.  "You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book."  (Psalm 56:8, New Living Translation) 

I don't believe these tears are wasted.  I don't believe my love for her is wasted.  And so I continue loving her and being her mother and mothering my sweet baby girl as best I can with heaven and earth separating us.  She is my baby - how could I possibly do anything else?  It is hard, trying to parent a dead child.  Nothing I do could ever be adequate.  But there is comfort in the trying, a sense of purpose, for me, for her life.  There is a sense of peace in trying to bring honor to her life.  After all, she was important, she IS important still.  She is a treasure to Christ, a princess in God's Kingdom, His very child.  We know that His love for her is eternal, and our love for her is eternal as well.

I could not possibly forget her, even if I wanted (which I don't), and, short of my faith, knowing others remember with me and want to honor her life brings the most relief I have found from this pain.  So I press on, and I count all of those who remember with me as blessings to our family.  I look for ways to remember and to bring honor to her life and to love her in some meaningful way, perhaps even in some way that will help someone else as well, that her brief life will continue to echo positively here on earth.

Thank you to all of you who remember with me, to you who are not afraid to speak her name, to you who read the ramblings of a mama trying her best to mother her baby who is no longer here, to you who keep her memory alive.  It means the world to me.

Our precious Elena, we love you and miss you.  Happy "corrected" birthday.  How we wish we could celebrate with you, sweet princess.  All our love until we can, Mommy, Daddy, Big Brother & Baby Brother