I made it through the entire month! When I started this project, I was planning to participate in some of the days. I hoped to get a picture done for each day, but it seemed a bit overwhelming, and I thought that if I got at least a few pictures, I would have accomplished at least something. I am so happy to say that I did them all! I really enjoyed reflecting on the subjects, revisiting lots of photographs and taking new ones, and sharing Elena with family and friends each day for an entire month. Thank you for letting me share her with you!
Day 1: Sunrise.
Today is the anniversary of Elena's due date. A sunrise begins a new day; a year ago today "should have" begun Elena's life on earth. (I wrote about this photograph on the blog on October 1.)
This picture was taken about a month before Elena was born. It was such a wonderful day!
(Photograph of my son and me at the zoo in April 2011.)
Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait.
This photo is not technically after loss, as Elena was living when it was taken; however, we knew she would not survive when she arrived. I am so very thankful that our nurse suggested photographs while Elena was living. I treasure each picture of Elena that I have. I miss you Sweet Princess! ♥
(Photograph of me holding Elena shortly after her birth.)
Day 4: Treasured Item.
"How very softly you tiptoed into my world, almost silently; only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left on our hearts." -Dorothy Ferguson
Day 5: Memorial.
These are the flowers at Elena's memorial service.
Day 6: What NOT to say. (I actually wrote a blog entry on this subject a couple months ago.)
These are a few of the hurtful things said to me after we lost Elena.
Yes, I know I am blessed to have my son. I still want my daughter too. His existence does not make her death okay.
I could have a dozen more children, but no one will ever take Elena's place. One child cannot replace another. I will always miss her.
I don't want my child to be my guardian angel. I wanted so very much to be the one to protect her - that was my job as her mother. (Not to mention the fact that I believe my child is a Princess in His Kingdom, not a guardian angel at all, and I do not want to think of her as being burdened with the problems of this world.)
Yes, I know I am blessed to have my son. I still want my daughter too. His existence does not make her death okay.
I could have a dozen more children, but no one will ever take Elena's place. One child cannot replace another. I will always miss her.
I don't want my child to be my guardian angel. I wanted so very much to be the one to protect her - that was my job as her mother. (Not to mention the fact that I believe my child is a Princess in His Kingdom, not a guardian angel at all, and I do not want to think of her as being burdened with the problems of this world.)
Day 7: What TO say.
My belief is that the only comfort we have is in our Lord and the hope of eternity. Knowing others were praying for our peace and comfort helped.
Just as any other parent does, I enjoy having my child acknowledged, even if she is no longer here. I LOVE hearing her name spoken. I remember someone telling me shortly after her death that her name is beautiful. That memory still makes me smile.
Less is more! A simple and sincere I'm sorry goes much further than most people know. The acknowledgment of our grief and our loss is important to us.
A friend said, "No words are adequate." She is right. Actions often are much more powerful. I will forever be thankful for those who hugged me, held my hand, and just sat with me and cried with me, even though no words were spoken.
After Elena passed, two dear friends gave me this beautiful heart with Elena's monogram on the front and her birthdate on the back. ♥ I wear it every day. I also have two necklaces that include Elena (one a locket with her and her big brother's photos - they looked just alike as newborns!).
(Photograph of Elena's engraved heart charm on a charm bracelet.)
Day 9: Special Place.
This is the Prayer/Memorial Garden at our church. Elena's ashes were scattered here, and we bring flowers for special days and release balloons on anniversaries. Our preschooler seems to enjoy spending time here as well, asking to go to the prayer garden after church from time to time. I feel blessed to have a place to pray and reflect that has so much meaning for our family.
This angel holding a baby reminds me that Elena is safe and cared for in Heaven, with angels attending her in the presence of our Lord.
Day 11: Supportive Friends/Family.
These are cards, flower notes, and memorial gift notifications we have received. So many people have shown us such love and support on our journey, from letting us know they are thinking of us and bringing us meals to providing gifts and lending us shoulders upon which to cry. Thank you to everyone who has supported us on this road.
I have shared this before, but it is worth repeating. I still remember feeling blessed on the day of Elena's memorial service when I looked up and realized how many people came to love and support us (and knew how many more were with us in spirit). It was one of the hardest days of my life, and it was such a blessing to know that I have so many people who care. Thank you. ♥
Day 12: Scents.
When I was carrying Elena, I craved Long John Silver's so much! In fact, it was the last meal I ate before I ended up in the hospital. It was sooo good - ha! I went this week to get the picture and decided to go ahead and pick up some fish too. Gross! How did I stomach that so often with her?!? LOL! The smell of that fried fish sure does remind me of being pregnant with her, though.
Day 13: Signs.
I don't really believe in signs from Elena (I prefer to think she is so busy enjoying the majesty of heaven that we will be with her before she even realizes we aren't there yet), but I do believe that His Holy Word provides assurance that Elena is safe at Home and that we will someday be reunited for eternity.
Day 14: Community.
Bagpipes played at M.E.N.D.'s Walk to Remember this year.
Day 15: Wave of Light.
October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Everyone was encouraged to light a candle from 7:00-8:00 p.m. to create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Here is our light between Elena's angel and her Molly Bear.
Day 16: Release.
On Elena's due date, October 1, 2011, we attended our first M.E.N.D. Walk to Remember. The ceremony concluded with an amazing balloon release. It was so special to see all those balloons being sent with love in memory of our babies.
Day 17: Anniversary/Birthday/Due Date.
We spent Elena's due date at M.E.N.D.'s Walk to Remember. We received the angel ornament on the left with her name and birthday to hang during the Recognition of Babies when her name was called. The ceremony concluded with a beautiful balloon release (see Day 16). For Elena's birthday, we visited the Memorial Garden at church and released a Happy Birthday balloon as well as three pink balloons (one from each of us). Later in the day, we joined my mom as she delivered gifts of preemie clothing and some candy to the NICU at our hospital in memory of Elena.
Day 18: Family Portrait.
Today's photo was to incorporate our baby into a family portrait. We decided to wear our Halloween shirts and to find a similar outfit for our Elena Molly Bear. Here is our family of soon-to-be five!
(Photograph of my husband, preschooler, and me wearing Halloween skeleton shirts. My shirt has a baby skeleton on the belly, and my preschooler is holding our Elena Molly Bear, which also has a skeleton shirt.)
Day 19: Project.
I have done a few projects inspired by Elena. One of them was an Acts of Kindness birthday celebration. We wanted to celebrate Elena's birthday by asking family and friends to do acts of kindness in her memory, and we wanted to record how her life has touched others, so I started the blog in her memory to give me a place to write what others do in her memory (and to write about her in general).
Day 20: Charity/Organization.
Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death (M.E.N.D.) has significantly touched our lives. M.E.N.D. is a Christian, non-profit organization that offers numerous supports to families who have lost children due to infant death, stillbirth, and miscarriage. All of their services are offered at no cost to families, and they operate strictly through volunteers - there are no paid employees. For more information about this awesome organization, visit www.mend.org.
Day 21: Elena's Space.
Today's subject was a special place in our home dedicated to our baby. We have a shadow box with several of Elena's things displayed in our family room. It has her hospital band, her handprints and footprints, her dress and bonnet along with a picture of her wearing them, her ring, her blanket, her baptism certificate, the rose the hospital placed on my room door to indicate we had lost our baby, and the rose corsage I wore to the Walk to Remember on Elena's due date.
Day 22: Place of Care/Birth.
A suggestion for today's photo was to share a picture of someone who took care of my baby and me. While the nurses in the hospital did help to take care of me, it was my husband who did the most for both Elena and me. He has been an incredible source of support, from the first sign of complication to today. He understands in a way no one else possibly can - he is Elena's only other parent. I look at this picture and see the love he has for his daughter and for me, and I am so grateful.
(Photograph of me holding Elena in the hospital bed, with my husband kneeling beside us, one arm around my neck, the other hand holding my hand as we both gaze at our precious daughter.)
Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo.
Today's subject encouraged us to share our baby's picture and name. Her name has such meaning to us! Elena is a shortened form of my paternal grandmother's middle name and means "light." Marie is my middle name, my mother's middle name, and was the middle name of my husband's paternal grandmother. I have seen a few meanings for Marie - my favorite is "wished-for child." ♥
Day 24: Siblings.
Our son continues to talk about his little sister. While I am so thankful that he was at the hospital and got to meet Elena, one of my biggest regrets is not getting a picture of both of my children together. Here is our son with our Elena Bear before bed.
(Photograph of our preschooler sitting in his chair holding our Elena Bear.)
Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing.
We did not have a baby shower for Elena, but as soon as my mom found out we were having a girl, she bought this tutu and headband set for Elena. I was so looking forward to dressing her up.
Day 26: Their Age.
Elena lived for 2 hours and 17 minutes. I treasure each of the 137 minutes we had with her.
Day 27: Artwork.
Elena's name was written in the sand at Christian's Beach by CarlyMarie last November.
Day 28: Memory.
One of my most significant memories is of my husband baptizing Elena as soon as she was born. The chaplain had not yet arrived, and since we did not know how long we had, we did not wait. That precious moment means the world to me, and I hope it is a moment that I remember vividly until I am called home too.
Day 29: Music.
The song "This Little Light" makes me think of Elena every time. It is actually the song that was playing on the radio when I decided that Elena was the name I really wanted for our daughter, as Elena means "light." She is my little light.
Day 30: Your Grief - Tell the World.
Today's topic asks, "What do you want the world to know about this road you are traveling?...Write it down..."
I want the world to know that I will never forget my sweet baby girl nor do I want to forget her. It really is okay to talk about her; in fact, it is healing for me. Please do not ever hesitate to mention her, talk about her, or ask questions about her. Elizabeth Edwards said it well when she said, "'If you know someone who has lost a child ... and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."
Day 31: Sunset.
This is a picture of sunset from earlier in the year (I did not even attempt to get a picture of the sunset on the 31st). The sunset is the end of the "Capture Your Grief" photo-a-day project. I enjoyed sharing Elena each day in October to promote awareness of infant and pregnancy loss. Thank you for taking the time to look at my pictures and to remember my precious daughter! ♥
These are cards, flower notes, and memorial gift notifications we have received. So many people have shown us such love and support on our journey, from letting us know they are thinking of us and bringing us meals to providing gifts and lending us shoulders upon which to cry. Thank you to everyone who has supported us on this road.
I have shared this before, but it is worth repeating. I still remember feeling blessed on the day of Elena's memorial service when I looked up and realized how many people came to love and support us (and knew how many more were with us in spirit). It was one of the hardest days of my life, and it was such a blessing to know that I have so many people who care. Thank you. ♥
Day 12: Scents.
When I was carrying Elena, I craved Long John Silver's so much! In fact, it was the last meal I ate before I ended up in the hospital. It was sooo good - ha! I went this week to get the picture and decided to go ahead and pick up some fish too. Gross! How did I stomach that so often with her?!? LOL! The smell of that fried fish sure does remind me of being pregnant with her, though.
Day 13: Signs.
I don't really believe in signs from Elena (I prefer to think she is so busy enjoying the majesty of heaven that we will be with her before she even realizes we aren't there yet), but I do believe that His Holy Word provides assurance that Elena is safe at Home and that we will someday be reunited for eternity.
Day 14: Community.
Bagpipes played at M.E.N.D.'s Walk to Remember this year.
Day 15: Wave of Light.
October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Everyone was encouraged to light a candle from 7:00-8:00 p.m. to create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Here is our light between Elena's angel and her Molly Bear.
Day 16: Release.
On Elena's due date, October 1, 2011, we attended our first M.E.N.D. Walk to Remember. The ceremony concluded with an amazing balloon release. It was so special to see all those balloons being sent with love in memory of our babies.
Day 17: Anniversary/Birthday/Due Date.
We spent Elena's due date at M.E.N.D.'s Walk to Remember. We received the angel ornament on the left with her name and birthday to hang during the Recognition of Babies when her name was called. The ceremony concluded with a beautiful balloon release (see Day 16). For Elena's birthday, we visited the Memorial Garden at church and released a Happy Birthday balloon as well as three pink balloons (one from each of us). Later in the day, we joined my mom as she delivered gifts of preemie clothing and some candy to the NICU at our hospital in memory of Elena.
Day 18: Family Portrait.
Today's photo was to incorporate our baby into a family portrait. We decided to wear our Halloween shirts and to find a similar outfit for our Elena Molly Bear. Here is our family of soon-to-be five!
(Photograph of my husband, preschooler, and me wearing Halloween skeleton shirts. My shirt has a baby skeleton on the belly, and my preschooler is holding our Elena Molly Bear, which also has a skeleton shirt.)
Day 19: Project.
I have done a few projects inspired by Elena. One of them was an Acts of Kindness birthday celebration. We wanted to celebrate Elena's birthday by asking family and friends to do acts of kindness in her memory, and we wanted to record how her life has touched others, so I started the blog in her memory to give me a place to write what others do in her memory (and to write about her in general).
Day 20: Charity/Organization.
Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death (M.E.N.D.) has significantly touched our lives. M.E.N.D. is a Christian, non-profit organization that offers numerous supports to families who have lost children due to infant death, stillbirth, and miscarriage. All of their services are offered at no cost to families, and they operate strictly through volunteers - there are no paid employees. For more information about this awesome organization, visit www.mend.org.
Day 21: Elena's Space.
Today's subject was a special place in our home dedicated to our baby. We have a shadow box with several of Elena's things displayed in our family room. It has her hospital band, her handprints and footprints, her dress and bonnet along with a picture of her wearing them, her ring, her blanket, her baptism certificate, the rose the hospital placed on my room door to indicate we had lost our baby, and the rose corsage I wore to the Walk to Remember on Elena's due date.
Day 22: Place of Care/Birth.
A suggestion for today's photo was to share a picture of someone who took care of my baby and me. While the nurses in the hospital did help to take care of me, it was my husband who did the most for both Elena and me. He has been an incredible source of support, from the first sign of complication to today. He understands in a way no one else possibly can - he is Elena's only other parent. I look at this picture and see the love he has for his daughter and for me, and I am so grateful.
(Photograph of me holding Elena in the hospital bed, with my husband kneeling beside us, one arm around my neck, the other hand holding my hand as we both gaze at our precious daughter.)
Today's subject encouraged us to share our baby's picture and name. Her name has such meaning to us! Elena is a shortened form of my paternal grandmother's middle name and means "light." Marie is my middle name, my mother's middle name, and was the middle name of my husband's paternal grandmother. I have seen a few meanings for Marie - my favorite is "wished-for child." ♥
Day 24: Siblings.
Our son continues to talk about his little sister. While I am so thankful that he was at the hospital and got to meet Elena, one of my biggest regrets is not getting a picture of both of my children together. Here is our son with our Elena Bear before bed.
(Photograph of our preschooler sitting in his chair holding our Elena Bear.)
Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing.
We did not have a baby shower for Elena, but as soon as my mom found out we were having a girl, she bought this tutu and headband set for Elena. I was so looking forward to dressing her up.
Day 26: Their Age.
Elena lived for 2 hours and 17 minutes. I treasure each of the 137 minutes we had with her.
Day 27: Artwork.
Elena's name was written in the sand at Christian's Beach by CarlyMarie last November.
Day 28: Memory.
One of my most significant memories is of my husband baptizing Elena as soon as she was born. The chaplain had not yet arrived, and since we did not know how long we had, we did not wait. That precious moment means the world to me, and I hope it is a moment that I remember vividly until I am called home too.
Day 29: Music.
The song "This Little Light" makes me think of Elena every time. It is actually the song that was playing on the radio when I decided that Elena was the name I really wanted for our daughter, as Elena means "light." She is my little light.
Day 30: Your Grief - Tell the World.
Today's topic asks, "What do you want the world to know about this road you are traveling?...Write it down..."
I want the world to know that I will never forget my sweet baby girl nor do I want to forget her. It really is okay to talk about her; in fact, it is healing for me. Please do not ever hesitate to mention her, talk about her, or ask questions about her. Elizabeth Edwards said it well when she said, "'If you know someone who has lost a child ... and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift."
Day 31: Sunset.
This is a picture of sunset from earlier in the year (I did not even attempt to get a picture of the sunset on the 31st). The sunset is the end of the "Capture Your Grief" photo-a-day project. I enjoyed sharing Elena each day in October to promote awareness of infant and pregnancy loss. Thank you for taking the time to look at my pictures and to remember my precious daughter! ♥
The picture of you holding her feet is so precious and beautiful. I love the meanings of her name <3
ReplyDeleteThank you Catherine!
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